


NEVER argue with dwarves

by ArtyMissK



Series: Poems, Mathoms & Other Things [8]
Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Arguing, Crack, Gen, Humor, Other, Tumblr Prompt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-01
Updated: 2015-06-01
Packaged: 2018-04-02 10:03:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 497
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4055902
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ArtyMissK/pseuds/ArtyMissK
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dain delicately tells Thranduil why he should never argue with a dwarf.</p><p>(tw: contains 2 mild swear words) - you were warned!</p>
            </blockquote>





	NEVER argue with dwarves

If anyone asked Gandalf how the peace talks were going his answer would be somewhere between not very well and disastrously…but as it happens no-one was asking his opinion and the wizard was most put out.  

 

For several hours now leaders from each of the armies had been ‘talking’ through their differences…well all leaders besides the dwarves in the mountain as they simply refused to leave their treasure, King Thorin had sent his most loyal and rational (in dwarvish terminologies) cousin Dain II Ironfoot to converse terms on his behalf.

 

And that was were the problem arose.

 

“My kin will never give you anything, you jumped up elf!” shouts Dain for the fifth time, while staring daggers into the graceful elf kings head.

 

Really these talks have been going for hours and very little, if any progress has been made.

 

“Lord Dain, stand down there are many things,” starts Gandalf, trying his best to calm the situation and not leave these idiots to the mercy of the oncoming army.

 

“I will not stand down before any elf! Not least this faithless woodland sprite!” shouts the dwarf lord in reply, hands on hips he gestures toward Thranduil, who is still doing his best to look composed “He wishes nothing but ill upon my people! If he chooses to stand between me and my kin - I’ll split his pretty head open!”

 

“He’s clearly mad, like his cousin!” sighs Thranduil, checking his hair for split ends.

 

“You hear that?!” points Dain accusingly while jumping on the spot.

 

“Obviously dwarves have no sense of self preservation, they are born of stone, all hard and angry.” comments Thranduil to one of his advisors.

 

“It could be worse! I could be like you!” responds Dain before throwing his beard over his shoulder and donning his best mock-feminine voice “I want to ride my elk through the flower meadows and let my silky hair blow free in the wind!”

 

This does manage to ruffle the elf king who stands to hover condescendingly over the rather angry dwarf lord “Children such as dwarves should not be allowed to enter such treaties”

  
“Ya’ keep talking like that and I’ll give you a bloody good hammering!” growls Dain reaching for his helmet and settling into a fighting stance.

 

Thranduil smiles furiously, loving just how easy it is to rile such funny little creatures.

 

“I’ll teach you not to start an argument ya’ can ne’ win with dwarves you yellow-haired, dress wearing, tree-shagger!” says Dain crossly, while standing on his tiptoes.

 

“And just how do you plan,” is all Thranduil manages to say before Dain’s helmeted head collides with with sensitive parts.

 

For a moment Gandalf does wonder if Thranduil is dead – a blow such as that would easily have killed an orc, but a groan of pain reassures him all is still relatively well.

 

“NEVER argue with anyone who can head-butt you in the dangly’s.” grins Dain proudly hovering over the elf kings crumpled form.

 

 ~

**Author's Note:**

> I'm not really sorry :)


End file.
